Pitchers and Catchers

Now, thanks to Jose Canseco, the phrase "pitchers and catchers" can refer to a thinly-veiled euphemism describing his early days with Mark McGwire as well as the first day of Spring Training.

I sold out. I bought Juiced. I'm reading it now. Canseco writes like a fourth grader.

Favorite excerpts so far?

On introducing us to Canseco's perspective to steroids:

"We're talking about the future here. I have no doubt whatsoever that intelligent informed use of steroids... will one day be so accepted that everybody will be doing it. Steroid use will be more common than botox. ... As a result, baseball and other sports will be more exciting and entertaining. Human life will be improved, too. We will live longer and better. And maybe we'll love longer and better, too." (2)

So apparently, we're looking at this steroid issue all wrong. Steroids, if used properly, will make us well-adjusted members of society as well as "not only make you stronger and sexier, they will also make you healthier." (3) Damn, wish I had known that back in high school when I was shagging flies in the outfield with the kid blaming air pockets for his dropped balls.

On Canseco's Mom:

"She was our protector when my dad had a bad day at work or was after us for some other reason. Don't get me wrong. Ozzie (Jose's twin brother) and I were not what you would call little angels. ... My mom was the one who was always trying to soften the blows or the issues with my dad. From the time when we were young boys and all the way up until high school, Ozzie and I would always run to mom for protection if my dad criticized or spanked us. We loved her very much." (23)

I laughed out loud. Fact is, reading this book reaffirms Jose's got issues and segments like this back it up. Especially considering I think I wrote something similar about my Mom back in 3rd Grade.

On Mark McGwire:

"Sometimes we did it before batting practice, sometimes afterward. It was really no big deal. We would just slip away, get our syringes and vials, and head into the bathroom area of the clubhouse to inject each other." (74)

"Inject" each other, eh? Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?

I find myself incredibly amused at how all these steroid references come off as homoerotic. Truth is, some of the steroids did adjust testosterone levels, so maybe they literally were getting off on this stuff.

Honestly, I'm curious about where this goes. Canseco clearly isn't bright enough to pull off this kind of lie. Do I think he's exaggerating? Yes. Do I think McGwire did steroids? Yes. Do I care? Well, they are a bunch of cheaters, but then again, when was the last time MLB cared what the fans thought?

So, I'll keep reading. If only because, according to Canseco:

"If you've picked up this book just for a few juicy details about which players I've poked... (***intentional awkward pause intended to build up homoerotic overtones***) ...with needles full of steroids, or what it was like when Madonna sat on my lap and asked me to kiss her, that's fine with me." (5)