The horror... the horror...

I did a bad, bad thing...

(ed. note: Before I go any further, I feel I owe an apology regarding Sunday's activities to all, but especially: the New York Mets and their fans, Sean Cloonan, that guy who came up to me on 5th Avenue in 2000 and got excited at my Mets hat, Mr. Met, anyone with functional brain cells, the Brooklyn Dodgers, and that eight-year old girl who said Jason Giambi was her favorite player.)

I got a call on Friday from a representative for Major League Baseball. "Are you available Sunday?" Yes I was. "We're working on a campaign trying to find baseball's ultimate fan as part of our 'I Live for This' campaign, to be held at Yankee Stadium this Sunday. Interested?" All I heard was "Major League Baseball." I signed on.

Then, I realized exactly what I got myself into on Sunday.

They weren't looking for the ultimate baseball fan. They were looking for the ultimate Yankees baseball fan.

Oh dear. Matty, Matty, Matty, what have you wrought?

Apparently, they're visiting the cities of the six 2004 playoff teams and finding the ultimate fan of those teams. And the Yankees, sadly, made the playoffs last year.

So, I spent my Sunday, 6AM onward, listening to Yankees fan profess their love to all things Yankee. I got to meet Bald Vinnie, the creator of the now-infamous Bleacher Creatures. I got to meet Freddie "the Fan" Schuman and his signature pan. I watched as Yankees press and others exploited a 23 year old female (yep, that's her on the NY Daily News.com website) for doing nothing but wearing clothes with the Yankee insignia and having large tits and an ass. And I spent the time being berated by a cold hearted Russian best summed up by the NYPD as raised by Ivan Drago himself.

If one thing came of this, though,,, it's that I would have 200+ subjects for an interesting study. A study into the Yankee fan's intelligence and attitude toward baseball, and here's what I came up with:

Each subject answered two questions:
1) What is your favorite baseball memory? We're not concerned with stats or play-by-play, but really in something that is your personal story.
2) Who is your all-time favorite Yankee?

And what did we learn:
- 1 in 5 Yankee fans think that Aaron Boone winning game 7 of the 2003 ALCS with a home run was their favorite baseball memory. This, despite the fact that the Yankees didn't win the World Series that year, and also that the Red Sox would avenge the 2003 ALCS in 2004 in a much more dramatic fashion.

And if I hear one more Yankee pine on about it, I'm going to have that person drawn and quartered.

- Far and away, Yankee fans picked one of three players as their favorite all-time Yankee:
1) Derek Jeter - picked mostly by little kids and ignorant parents
2) Mickey Mantle - picked exclusively by old-timers
3) Don Mattingly - picked by every person who said, "I'm no front runner, I'm a true fan. I rooted for the Yankees in the '80s" and then described Mattingly not as a good first baseman but really as a battle scar from a darker time.

- Other notable votes:
Thurman Munson (about a dozen - always followed by a moment of silence)
Lou Gehrig (3 or 4 votes)
Joe DiMaggio (1 vote)
Graig Nettles (1 vote)
Mel Hall (1 vote)
Reggie Jackson, Yogi Berra, Roger Maris, Babe Ruth, Whitey Ford, Catfish Hunter, Phil Rizzuto, Dave Winfield (0 - that's right, ZERO - votes)

- Despite being provoked by the YES Network "anchor" about the Boston Red Sox ("yeah, I know, but what I want to know is what do you think about the Red Sox?"), most Yankee fans don't have a clue about the Sox. Quotes overheard in interviews to local press:
"The Red Sox, to me, always seemed kinda skeevy."
"They're such sore winners. When Boston won, they just ran down into the stands and started hitting people."
"They didn't win the Series. The trophy's ours. We just loan it out."

- Also overheard during "casting":
"Yankee fans are the smartest fans in the world."

Horseshit.

- Two Major League Baseball officials mistook my Brooklyn Dodgers cap for a Boston Red Sox cap. One MLB official gave me a Boston Red Sox bumper sticker. I was then ordered to take the hat off so as not to offend anybody.

I left my dignity in the Bronx and $100 richer. Greta (aka Ivan Drago - Greta was the name given her by the NYPD that day) can't hurt me anymore. And Yankee fans... well, at least some things never change.