"Happy Lent, Everybody!"

Fat Tuesday (or as the French refer to it, Mardi Gras) is upon us.

That means tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, the start of the annual guilt trip built into the Catholic Calendar known as Lent. Lent calls for Catholics to recall their sins and prepare for Easter. That means: purple, no meat on Fridays, and giving up one or more of my vices (intended to be forever, but after Easter, it's all good again).

At first, I didn't mind so much "giving up vices" cause when you're eight, you have not discovered alcohol nor pornography yet. "I won't eat Snickers" was an OK choice and contained no innuendo whatsoever. But now, I've got things to lose.

Heck, Mardi Gras itself calls for a night of debauchery and girls gone wild. Get it out of your system, and then pent it up till the next available opportunity to explode. Otherwise, you'll go blind and get hairy palms.

So, unlike New Year's, where most just resolve to not make resolutions, with Lent, I'll be pledging the following:

- I will not punt babies.
- Underwear goes outside the pants.
- I will not offer "sucks to your ass-mar" on weekdays.
- Don't stop till you get enough.
- Once you get enough, graciously stop.
- I will continue to not do atrocious things I didn't ordinarly have the ability to do (i.e. nuke third world countries, more cancer, propping up no-talent, big-breasted blondes).
- Nothing.

What's your opinion? We'd like to know.