Too bad Hallmark doesn't make a "Sorry your dodgeball coach got killed by two tons of irony" card.

Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation.
-Young Patches O'Houlihan, "Dodgeball"

On my way to work today, I began to realize how much I missed dodgeball. Not the game itself, but gym class dodgeball. Usually consisting of 40 minutes of co-ed humiliation that doesn't involve bodily functions (in most circumstances), dodgeball didn't really involve many skills save falling to the ground or not throwing like a girl.

In elementary school, I earned my stripes in gym class playing dodgeball. It was five-on-one (I was the one), and I whittled the other side down to a 1-on-1 showdown. I couldn't go on, so I waived somebody on while I went to the bathroom to throw up. On my way back to class, I joined the line as they exited for a fire drill. While I stood outside holding my stomach, the first grade teacher, Sister Mary Ann, came up and asked, "Is he OK? Are you OK?" My gym teacher, Mr. DeSimone, came over, put his arm around me, and said, "He just gave me 110%." True story. I had a free pass for the next 2 years, and he would ask my brother about me after I graduated.

That's not why I miss dodgeball, though.

I miss hitting the fat kid.

That's all. Short. Succinct. There was no sweeter sound in elementary school than hearing the fat kid get hit with a dodgeball.

THUD.

You can hear it, can't you?

Sure, it was fun throwing at the wallflowers, or the shy ones who had no idea the ball was coming, or those using the fat kids as shields. But hitting the fat kids...

THUD.

There was no wrong angle to hit the fat kid to make that glorious sound. In the face, in the stomach, in the ass, off the leg, on the back, anywhere.

THUD.

They're slowly eliminating dodgeball from elementary school gym classes because they say it discriminates. Against the fat kid. It couldn't be against girls (I'd been eliminated by a few in my day), nor against the soft tossers (dodgeball wasn't about who threw the hardest). It's because the fat kid can't get out of the way. (Wanna bet? You've never play dodgeball against the patented Matt Fristachi tumble roll.)

Obesity is not a disability folks. Hey fatty, wanna stop getting hit with the dodgeball? Try curbing that cheese doodle habit. Put down the video game controller and go take a walk. That might help cut down the physical abuse you endure when dodgeball week rolls around. But please, leave me with...

THUD.