Reports of our demise have been greatly exaggerated.

We're still alive. STILL ALIVE!

We're just currently unemployed and home. We need to get out more.

We also need to stop speaking in the third person.

Unemployment, Here I Come

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

My unemployed life.

I move on today. Off to greener pastures. Well, OK. Not greener. Not yet anyway.

I Can Dream... with you TO-NITE.*

I've had that exact music lyric in my head all morning.

What's it from? I don't know. It came to me in a dream last night. A bizarre dream. Strange dream. A dream that had me backstage on one of those kiddie sitcoms on Nickelodeon. And a blond siren belts out a song, blowing everybody away...

I Can Dream... with you TO-NITE.
Na na na.... na na NA NA.

Yeah, I don't know the rest of the words. It kinda sounds like that song "I Believe" by Blessed Union of Souls (I googled it). Except sung by a woman this time, so its not as gay.

My lyric, BTW? Nothing. Well, until Google caches this one.

In the meantime, I clearly made it past the morning so this song will torment me for a while. In the meantime, I'll start playing obscure CDs in hopes of A) finding this song, or B) getting a new song in my head.

In terms of the latter, I dare you to do your worst.

(*Oh right, and since I'm publishing this now, if I hear Jessica Simpson, Kelly Clarkson, or any of those other no-talent hacks come up with this, I officially get to sue their ass.)

We're gonna be the Happiest Place on Earth, even if we have to throw you out in a box.

Child dies on Epcot ride

A 4-year-old boy on a family vacation died Monday afternoon after he passed out on a Disney World ride at Epcot.

The incident happened around 3:30 p.m. on the Mission: SPACE ride, according to Disney officials. The ride spins passengers on a multi-armed centrifuge to simulate a launch into space. It exerts more than twice the normal force of gravity on occupants.

Daudi Bamuwamye, 4, reportedly passed out on the ride and paramedics responded. Witnesses reported seeing Daudi's mother, Agnes, carry him outside to a nearby bench. Paramedics and a Disney worker tried to revive the child, but could not save him. He was prounounced dead at 5 p.m. at Celebration Hospital.

Ever notice how nobody's ever pronounced dead in Disney?

Oh, well, now it makes sense.

Cheney: U.S. Not Aiming To Close Guantanamo

In remarks to be broadcast today on Fox News, Cheney said the administration was reviewing its options at the prison "on a continuous basis." But he defended its track record, saying, "The important thing here to understand is that the people that are at Guantanamo are bad people."

I didn't know that. Keep on keepin' on, then.

Of course, a good portion of Guantanamo detainees are referred to as detainees and not prisoners because they haven't actually been charged with any crime.

The fix is in, next on 21.

I'll tell you about California when I damn well feel like telling you about California. In the meantime, I'm catching up on all the news I've missed while hiding out on the left coast. Good Lord, are they insulated from current events or what?

Did you hear that the Federal District Court case against Big Tobacco wrapped up this week? With some fireworks? Oh, you didn't know? Well, you better call somebody!

The government's nine-month racketeering trial against the nation's leading cigarette companies ended on a tumultuous note Thursday as company lawyers accused the government of a last-minute change in the terms of a proposed national stop-smoking program.

...

The eruption began in the final minutes of closing arguments when Sharon Eubanks, a government lawyer, provided new details of a $10 billion stop-smoking program - to be paid for by the defendants if the judge rules against them - that replaced the $130 billion program the government had been seeking until earlier this week.

At that point, the stop-smoking program was the biggest financial hammer left to the government after an appeals court ruling in February that civil racketeering laws would not allow the government to seek $280 billion in past profits from the companies.

Oh yeah. They couldn't sue for $280 billion because an earlier ruling said the government can't sue for profits made in the past by tobacco companies.

The $130 billion? To create a stop-smoking campaign for current and potential future smokers over the next 25 years. That number specifically came from a recommendation from an expert witness, Michael Fiore, a University of Wisconsin medical professor, called by the US Government in the case.

Then, on the last day of the trial, Eubanks, lawyer representing the US government, calls for a 5-year, $10 billion program for potential future smokers ONLY. For no known reason, since the US government ALREADY recommended the 25 year, $130 billion program IN THIS CASE. This even caught the Big Tobacco lawyers off guard:

"This is like a comedy skit on 'Saturday Night Live,' " Ted Wells, a lawyer for Philip Morris, said. "It's outrageous. It's ridiculous. This was a $280 billion case that became a $130 billion case that became a $10 billion case that will eventually become a zero billion dollar case."

"...Their case is in total disarray," said another Philip Morris lawyer, Dan Webb. "Even if they prevail in front of Judge Kessler, they are not going to prevail in a court of appeals."

And why should you worry, even if you don't smoke?

William V. Corr, executive director of the Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids, said the last-minute changes suggest political interference by the Bush administration to soften the blow for the tobacco companies.

"It appears senior Justice officials decided on an amount of money and are now trying to justify that amount by describing a cessation program that doesn't make sense and won't work," Corr said. "They are changing the cessation program to protect the financial interests of the industry rather than 45 million addicted adults."

Somebody is letting Big Tobacco off the hook here. I won't point fingers (Bush), but the fact that a group of corporations that creates a product THAT KILLS ITS USERS can get away with crap like this is downright infuriating.

It's insulting that they can't at least come up with a better excuse. Democrats on Capitol Hill are calling for an investigation, and rightly so. If the department was behaving reasonably when it introduced evidence that called for the larger figure, it has no business now -- with circumstances unchanged -- refusing to seek the vast bulk of what its evidence suggests the American people are lawfully entitled to. If the administration was going to cave in to its donors and friends in the tobacco industry, it should have done so six years ago. But then, what's $120 billion between friends?

Further Evidence that the Day of Reckoning is Upon Us

I'm back from Cali, but no that's not the evidence. You'll get Cali stories tomorrow.

This is the evidence. Thanks to Marty for catching it so that I could figure out one day later why they were playing Aerosmith's "Walk this Way" instead of anything by Dion, the Standells or essentially any quality oldies song you've ever tapped your toe to (whether you'll admit it or not).

New York City radio is awful. It's station upon station of the same mindless drivel over and over again. There is absolutely no room for new artists or eclectic mix. It's top 40, or adult contemp top 40. There are stations like K-Rock that pass themselves off as alternative, but more often than not just play whatever band will be playing the Hammerstein Ballroom that weekend or the Garden that month. Q104.3? Classic Rock is fine (Q104 was the only classic rock station in NYC until 101.1 FM switched formats), but could you hit me with something a little more challenging than your daily lineup of Zepplin, Floyd, Zepplin, Floyd, Queen, Zepplin, Floyd, Beatles, Zepplin, Floyd, Steppenwolf. Z100? Blow me.

I certainly didn't grow up listening to the songs spinning on 101 when they were released, but they became a part of my growing up. My parents listening to it. Me cooking to it. Me dancing in the kitchen while cooking to it.

And so goes 101.1 WCBS-FM New York, home of one of the American made art forms in one of its earliest stages. And you, in your other cities, thinking you've still got that one station that no one else has? This is New York City. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. And if we don't have a station like your cute little station, start worrying.

And apparently, we won't be able to hear that song anymore unless someone's recapping the Yankees game of the previous night.

Cousin Brucy, we need you now more than ever.

Stay of Execution: Day 6

"I'm going going, back back, to Cali Cali"
-Notorious BIG, "Going Back to Cali"

I BBQed all weekend. It was glorious. Leave your favorite BBQ recipes here, and I will cook them. For you, I'm not sure. But I will cook them.

Yep, I'll be in California for the week with the little lady.

In the meantime, entertain yourself with this.

Stay of Execution: Day 5

So nobody ever told you, baby
How it was gonna be
So what'll happen to you, baby?
Guess we'll have to wait and see
-Guns 'n Roses, "Estranged"

I lived on Day 5 freshman year of college. "Day 5 gonna get yo mama," we used to say.

On an unrelated note: Reason #1217 why the internet is great:
The Box Score of the Greatest Game Ever Played (with me in attendance)

It's sunny out. Go climb a tree.

Stay of Execution: Day 4

There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away from us?
-Queen, "Who Wants to Live Forever?"

The problem with gradually losing your job over time is that you can't blame it on alcohol. Which is why I'm going to start drinking on the job.

Ah, gin. At least you'll live comfortably during unemployment.

Stay of Execution: Day 3

You treat me like a dirty clown
You're always kicking my dog around
I never get nothin' but constant abuse from you
You couldn't care less what I think, or my point of view
-Oingo Boingo, "Goodbye, Goodbye"

Well, I'm certainly not doing work right now. I mean, I did some in the morning, but nothing meriting any kind of mention. So here's some random musings at present time:

- I'm out of maple syrup. It's not just any kind of maple syrup. It's Vermont maple syrup. My cohorts devoured it all. I was relegated to Aunt Jemima, who, while a very sweet lady, simply shouldn't try to add a butter flavor to her syrup.

- The New York Knicks will be drafting eighth in the upcoming NBA Draft. They would be wise to draft Hakim Warrick of Syracuse. Yes, they need another undersized forward like they need a kick in the nuts, but he's won a national championship, gotten better every year, and has crazy ass mofo dunks that can excite a crowd. He's like Marcus Camby without the injuries. And yes, there is that Syracuse thing.

- The US House of Representatives passed a pro-stem cell research bill despite the President's wishes. Stem cell research is an interesting thing cause the focus is on embryonic stem cells, which come from embryoes created via in vitro fertilization. The idea is that the cells, which have no specific job (i.e. they aren't heart cells, or nerve cells - they're just unassigned, all-purpose cells), could have potential value in treatment of diseases like Altzheimer's, Parkinson's, or different types of cancer. The stem cells are taken, the embryo discarded. Seems wasteful. (This differs from adult stem cells, which can come from organs and tissue such as bone marrow, but are considered to have a narrow potential.) Bush's argument against embryonic stem cell research is that the embryo is a living being and it's life shouldn't be simply discarded for the benefit of science. Interesting. That implies that life (presumably from the point of conception) takes on a value independent of the mother, and keeps that value for the length of its existence. A value we can't take away - because that would be playing God. Which Bush technically does by endorsing the death penalty. Interesting.

- It's Fleet Week. I saw the USS John F. Kennedy stroll up the Hudson. Fathers, hide your daughters.

- Naptime for Matty.

Stay of Execution: Day 2

Buy me a drink, sing me a song,
Take me as I come cause I can't stay long.
-Tom Petty, "Last Dance with Mary Jane"

Well, that was fun.

I updated my resume today. Read the papers. Punched myself in the face continuously for 8 hours. Jealous? You should be.

1 in 3 of lower or working class students drop out of college. 1 out of 3. That means at least 10 kids from my 8th grade class didn't graduate. 10. I should've hoodwinked them for more lunch money when I had the chance.

San Francisco is a silly place.

I'm going for a slice of pizza and a nap now.

The Stay of Execution: Day 1

Remember when you held me tight
And you kissed me all through the night
Think of all that we've been through
Breaking up is hard to do
-Neil Sedaka

I'm such a whore.

The things I do for money...

I've essentially been told I'm a lame duck at this point. It's nothing personal, they say. It's just the way they do things. I should move on, look for bigger and better, upgrade my place in the world and my way of life. Whatever I need to do to not be here.

And yet, here I am in the production office. Working. For money to finance California. I shouldn't have to finance California. Arnold Schwarzenegger still gets residuals. He should finance it.

It is a lot like a bad breakup. Dirty laundry. Clingy-ness. Free lunches at nice restaurants. Ok, maybe not the last part.

Things I think I'll leave on my computer for my successor:
- substantial amounts of pornography
- the Anarchist's Cookbook
- the complete score of the HMS Pinafore
- a picture of this guy

What's your opinion? We'd like to know.

Where the hell are the singing cats?

I'm going to see Star Wars Episode III tonight at a drive-in in Vermont.

Wanna touch me? You can.

I'm not a Star Wars geek. But sometimes I wonder...

Woo! College!

Ok, now it's true, the majority of students today are so cravenly PC, they wouldn't know a good time if it was sitting on their face, but there's one thing that will always unite us and them. They're young. They may not realize it yet. They've got the same raging hormones, the same self-destructive desire to get boldly trashed and wildly out of control. Look out that window! That's not a protest! That is cry for help! They're begging us... "Please have a party! Feed us drinks! Get us laid! Aahhhhhh!"
-Droz, PCU (1994)

Back in the Salt City, attending Erin's graduation. Very proud.

Jane Goodall's the commencement speaker. Which is better than last year, I suppose. (Certainly better than some speakers I'd heard about.) Not on par with mine, though.

Full House is on. Not so proud.

I'm a long way removed from my own commencement ceremonies.

I attended Senior Celebration on Thursday with the little lady (aka the one school event where they serve alcohol to students - albeit Bud Light, but free is free). I felt old. I realized the next major milestone for me is the reduction in my car insurance. The only people to recognize me were former residents from my RA days. Everybody seems so little. I could take them all in a fight. Not all at once, but that's a different debate altogether.

I did get mentioned on a comedy album's liner notes, though. And a former professor of mine told a current student of his to grow up to be me cause I've been eating the last 10 months. The fool.

I got 8 hours of sleep my commencement weekend. Erin has heeded my advice and packed before she leaves. Good for her.

I need a nap. Or gin. We've got gin.

On reading one too many "deer" John letters

5 deer, dead and roadside on Rtes I-280 West and I-80 West in New Jersey. None in PA nor in NY.

Pat, I take it all back.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Unemployed life, that is.

I mean - I've got two weeks coming up of work, but that's all. Soon after, the checks start coming in.

I've celebrated with 3 naps and an anthropologic pilgrimage to every pizzeria between Smith Street and my house.

The pizza, for the most part, not so good.

The nice thing, though, of being done with Season 15 of ye olde Law & Order is I'm now once again allowed to publicly tarnish NBC-Universal properties, something I wasn't allowed to do due to a "conflict of interest" clause in my start paperwork.

So:
Fear Factor - sucks.
Nobody likes watching big breasted blonds eating any testicles. Sucking them is one thing, but eating them - nope.
Waterworld - sucks.
I'll piss on you.
MSNBC - sucks.
Way to try to be reputable.

Sorry. I've been waiting 10 months to get it out of my system. It's nice.

I'm hung over, my knees are killin' me and if you're going to pull this shit at least you could've said you were from the Yankees.

At Shea again last night. That's two for this season. What have we learned so far:

Record: 0-2
Combined Score: Them 14, Us 6
Free Tickets: 2
# of Hot Dogs: 3
# of potential ulcers: 1
# of Beers: Not nearly enough
Average Inning I Lost Hope: 4th
Average Inning I Had my Hope Restored, only to have those same hopes dashed moments later: 9th
# of Runs the Opposing Team scored before I reached my seat in the bottom of the 1st: 6
# of fans booing Glavine after last night's debacle: 17.050
Infielders who did not make errors in these two games: Mientkiewicz

# of times Jose Reyes walked: 1
# of times Jose Reyes walked this season: 1

So that's a bright spot. Kinda.

I'll be making a concious effort to get to the game before it starts next time, merely as a precautionary measure.

It could've been worse. We could've lost to Tampa Bay last night.

Strong men also cry... strong men also cry...

I attended the Law & Order wrap party and all they gave me was this lousy headache.

It's 9AM on Thursday... 9 hours ago, I may or may not have still been drinking. I'm not sure. See, it all kinda went blank after the third gin & tonic. Here's what I vaguely remember:

- I may or may not have been weirded out by the guy in the Good Humor suit who greeted me at the front door with a glass of champaigne.
- One of the intern's moms may or may not have flirted with me.
- I may or may not have spilled on myself, thinking my drink was in a beer bottle (it wasn't).
- I may or may not have had one of the writers (who lives and works in LA) recognize me.
- I may or may not have brushed off the same girl for offering me 8 different hors d'ouevres in a 10 minute span.
- Erin may or may not have punched a guy out at a concert last night.
- I may or may not have agreed to attend some sort of movie on Saturday with I don't know who (can't go - have a date with a model on Saturday).
- I may or may not have acquired at least two phone numbers last night, one of which was someone I may or may not have attended Syracuse with and the other having something to do with the New York Mets because I have a number in my phone with the label "METS" and I don't know where it came from (and no, I don't have the Mets ticket office on my phone).
- I may or may not have seen the medical examiner attempting to go home with the doorman.
- I may or may not have agreed to meet a friend for breakfast at Pipes, which is a restaurant in San Diego. I won't be in San Diego until June 1st.

Alcohol, you whore... see you Saturday?

T-minus 8 business days...

...until unemployment.

I am unafraid. I'll be traveling until early June, so I'll be occupied. And I can collect unemployment, so I'm financed. I may try to make the world's largest ball of Silly Putty, then try to replace Los Angeles with it. Merely to appreciate the irony.

No word from the Pope yet. I imagine he's busy doing Pope stuff. I'll keep hitting him on the Pope phone.